Hello;
You know, I feel like Helen Keller this morning. Imagine, if you will, that you are blind, deaf, and speechless. (don't even bother thinking 'how can we imagine that'; just try). You may perhaps know this story, and I'm playing fast and loose with it, I've got to start somewhere.
Someone repeatedly brings you to a water pump, and fumbles her hand around in your hand, then holds it under the pump, from which spills cold water. (You know water quenches your thirst and that you bathe in it, but you don't even 'think' in those terms) The hand, the same shapes in your palm, then the water spilling. Again and again, that woman next to you, you smell her perfume, feel her skirt, feel the wind on your face. Somehow, somehow, in your darkness and silence, you make the connection between that digital, her finger shapes in your palm, and the water-feel in your palm.
What rushes in then, a whole world of signifiers, significance! Communication! And it won't be until years later, when you have a vocabulary, when you come to have a vocabulary, that you can communicate how you used to live in an adversarial world, where each small interaction was a fight, where all you were was appetite surrounded by a recalcitrant and demanding darkness and silence populated by bodies which simply gave and took, without reason!
Er, why is this image on my mind this morning, and why am I here telling it to you, whoever you are?
Well, I can see and hear and communicate, but I feel like Helen Keller this morning. I'm getting an echo of my earlier statement that (on another thread) Einstein thought the most important question to ask was whether or not the universe is benevolent. I'm also thinking about how we realize significance, beyond and different from our perhaps habitual survival formula; reaching out into a darkness for cake, our dolly, our Mum or Dad or Teacher. Cigarettes, warmth, etc. Sometimes it seems as if our daily round presents us with some repeated experience, that something is wanted of us, that some significance hovers beyond our ken, and then Bingo!
I have the advantage of knowing Helen Keller's story from the outside. I can imagine that Something or Someone is trying to get through to me. I have the concept of and experience of 'realization'. But damn. I still feel like Helen Keller.
I realize that this post is really spaced out. But for some reason, events are conspiring (how loaded is that!), that I am at a point in my life where I have become, nagged by a repeating suspicion that I should, or might be well served, to change my course. Something about the topics here, and conversations, is bearing fruit, , but at this point I merely sit with a bunch of fruit around me. I also have feelings of moral vertigo, and owing to being middle-aged, a feeling of the significance of my life up 'til now, falling away. Falling away like old maps, the journey for which they were drawn, the purpose for which, forgotten! This is a crisis, but I usually think of 'crisis' being something fast and sharp, something which must be responded to immediately. But this crisis, is slow, and I dwell in it, for a long time.
Buh. Anyone else ever had this? As the King of Siam said 'it is a puzzlement'.
Now I will go eat breakfast, go to the recycling center, visit a friend. All the while sensing that there is an elephant in my living room. I pat his trunk, I squeeze around him to get my coat, leave a bowl of peanuts on the floor, but beyond that, I don't know what to do with him.
Que sera
apres laulyam
Full Version: Change
QUOTE (Apres Laulyam @ Feb 21 2009, 01:42 PM) 
Buh. Anyone else ever had this?
Yes, several times.
QUOTE (Apres Laulyam @ Feb 21 2009, 02:42 PM)
I realize that this post is really spaced out. But for some reason, events are conspiring (how loaded is that!), that I am at a point in my life where I have become, nagged by a repeating suspicion that I should, or might be well served, to change my course. Something about the topics here, and conversations, is bearing fruit, , but at this point I merely sit with a bunch of fruit around me.
Apres laulyam, your images rock! You shouldn't try to eat all this fruit at once. Make a nice fruit bowl and admire it. Some kinds of fruit can be left to dry, they become sweeter.
QUOTE
I also have feelings of moral vertigo, and owing to being middle-aged, a feeling of the significance of my life up 'til now, falling away. Falling away like old maps, the journey for which they were drawn, the purpose for which, forgotten! This is a crisis, but I usually think of 'crisis' being something fast and sharp, something which must be responded to immediately. But this crisis, is slow, and I dwell in it, for a long time.
It sounds like the things in your life that have outlived their purpose, are slowly disintegrating into mulch for tomorrow's growth. Or as a gardener said, Thankfully, shit happens.
QUOTE
Buh. Anyone else ever had this? As the King of Siam said 'it is a puzzlement'.
Yessss.
QUOTE
Now I will go eat breakfast, go to the recycling center, visit a friend. All the while sensing that there is an elephant in my living room. I pat his trunk, I squeeze around him to get my coat, leave a bowl of peanuts on the floor, but beyond that, I don't know what to do with him.
"If you cannot get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd better teach it to dance." Perhaps this could be applied to elephants as well.
Can your elephant roar?
QUOTE (Apres Laulyam @ Feb 21 2009, 08:42 AM)
Hello;
You know, I feel like Helen Keller this morning. Imagine, if you will, that you are blind, deaf, and speechless. (don't even bother thinking 'how can we imagine that'; just try). You may perhaps know this story, and I'm playing fast and loose with it, I've got to start somewhere.
I realize that this post is really spaced out. But for some reason, events are conspiring (how loaded is that!), that I am at a point in my life where I have become, nagged by a repeating suspicion that I should, or might be well served, to change my course. Something about the topics here, and conversations, is bearing fruit, , but at this point I merely sit with a bunch of fruit around me. I also have feelings of moral vertigo, and owing to being middle-aged, a feeling of the significance of my life up 'til now, falling away. Falling away like old maps, the journey for which they were drawn, the purpose for which, forgotten! This is a crisis, but I usually think of 'crisis' being something fast and sharp, something which must be responded to immediately. But this crisis, is slow, and I dwell in it, for a long time.
Buh. Anyone else ever had this? As the King of Siam said 'it is a puzzlement'.
You know, I feel like Helen Keller this morning. Imagine, if you will, that you are blind, deaf, and speechless. (don't even bother thinking 'how can we imagine that'; just try). You may perhaps know this story, and I'm playing fast and loose with it, I've got to start somewhere.
I realize that this post is really spaced out. But for some reason, events are conspiring (how loaded is that!), that I am at a point in my life where I have become, nagged by a repeating suspicion that I should, or might be well served, to change my course. Something about the topics here, and conversations, is bearing fruit, , but at this point I merely sit with a bunch of fruit around me. I also have feelings of moral vertigo, and owing to being middle-aged, a feeling of the significance of my life up 'til now, falling away. Falling away like old maps, the journey for which they were drawn, the purpose for which, forgotten! This is a crisis, but I usually think of 'crisis' being something fast and sharp, something which must be responded to immediately. But this crisis, is slow, and I dwell in it, for a long time.
Buh. Anyone else ever had this? As the King of Siam said 'it is a puzzlement'.
Yes, by all means, I feel this often. Change is something I confront often, it is part of the creative process in general, where it is a very healthy ingredient to discovering new images and meaning, but when one starts to face major changes in life, it can stop you in your tracks or at least put you into a very contemplative state. The mid-years of life offer up a lot of change, where friends and family are leaving their bodies more often and mortality starts staring you in the mirror every morning, plus the realization that there is less time in front of the journey than perhaps exists on the back end. There is also the issue of spurned spiritual goals and beliefs to deal with, disappointments and realizations that differ with our younger more idealistic world-views. Lastly there are the issues of our life purpose in terms of career and self expression, how our current reality shapes up to the dreams and goals we may have had when we were younger and first starting out on our journey. All these things can combine with a body that is slowly changing with time, perhaps wiser but a little slower in certain areas.
All this is the messy stuff of life, the hard stuff we all have to deal with in our own personal individual ways, where there is no one manual or book to give all the answers ... but we keep moving forward ... we keep dealing with it all ... we keep growing ... and the sun does come up tomorrow complete with new realizations and eventual new questions ... as the wheel keeps turning ... turning ... turning.
Beautiful. Each of you. Beautiful articulation of complex feelings. Beautiful insights. Beautiful personal realizations. And beautiful sharing of all of those.
QUOTE (Dhyana @ Feb 21 2009, 07:37 PM)
QUOTE (Apres Laulyam @ Feb 21 2009, 02:42 PM)
I realize that this post is really spaced out. But for some reason, events are conspiring (how loaded is that!), that I am at a point in my life where I have become, nagged by a repeating suspicion that I should, or might be well served, to change my course. Something about the topics here, and conversations, is bearing fruit, , but at this point I merely sit with a bunch of fruit around me.
Apres laulyam, your images rock! You shouldn't try to eat all this fruit at once. Make a nice fruit bowl and admire it. Some kinds of fruit can be left to dry, they become sweeter.
QUOTE
I also have feelings of moral vertigo, and owing to being middle-aged, a feeling of the significance of my life up 'til now, falling away. Falling away like old maps, the journey for which they were drawn, the purpose for which, forgotten! This is a crisis, but I usually think of 'crisis' being something fast and sharp, something which must be responded to immediately. But this crisis, is slow, and I dwell in it, for a long time.
It sounds like the things in your life that have outlived their purpose, are slowly disintegrating into mulch for tomorrow's growth. Or as a gardener said, Thankfully, shit happens.
QUOTE
Buh. Anyone else ever had this? As the King of Siam said 'it is a puzzlement'.
Yessss.
QUOTE
Now I will go eat breakfast, go to the recycling center, visit a friend. All the while sensing that there is an elephant in my living room. I pat his trunk, I squeeze around him to get my coat, leave a bowl of peanuts on the floor, but beyond that, I don't know what to do with him.
"If you cannot get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd better teach it to dance." Perhaps this could be applied to elephants as well.
Can your elephant roar?
Hello Dhyana;
oops, still figuring out how to steer this quote thingie. 'Disintegrating into mulch for tomorrow's growth'. Wow. That's a nice change of perspective
. It feels yucky to disintegrate. but mulch is 'good shit'. 'Out lived their purpose', yeah, you got that right. That's the nice thing about being a cyclical person. Maybe that is a perk to living long; I should be used to this by now, and not get discouraged. 'Fruit salad' you say? Hmmm. 'Don't throw that out, just cut out the bruises'. So, maybe instead of concentrating on the yucky aspects, it sounds as if you have made a habit out of being creative and happy, rather than slouching in some corner counting your losses. Thanks for that. Hear the elephant roar. Depends on, how I'm attuned, I guess. You ever stand right next to a bagpiper? I mean a Scotsman playing one of those? (somewhere on one of these threads, someone mentioned how elephants are communicating in a very low vibration that human beans can't hear. Huh.)
QUOTE (Brainiac @ Feb 21 2009, 07:23 PM)
QUOTE (Apres Laulyam @ Feb 21 2009, 01:42 PM)
Buh. Anyone else ever had this?
Yes, several times.
Wull good, Brainiac. Did you ever get the feeling, when old Jimi sang 'Have you ever been experienced? Well I have', his tone was, somewhat minor, like he'd come through a dour time. Still, look what he made of it, whatever that was.
QUOTE (Kalisurfer @ Feb 21 2009, 11:43 PM)
QUOTE (Apres Laulyam @ Feb 21 2009, 08:42 AM)
Hello;
You know, I feel like Helen Keller this morning. Imagine, if you will, that you are blind, deaf, and speechless. (don't even bother thinking 'how can we imagine that'; just try). You may perhaps know this story, and I'm playing fast and loose with it, I've got to start somewhere.
I realize that this post is really spaced out. But for some reason, events are conspiring (how loaded is that!), that I am at a point in my life where I have become, nagged by a repeating suspicion that I should, or might be well served, to change my course. Something about the topics here, and conversations, is bearing fruit, , but at this point I merely sit with a bunch of fruit around me. I also have feelings of moral vertigo, and owing to being middle-aged, a feeling of the significance of my life up 'til now, falling away. Falling away like old maps, the journey for which they were drawn, the purpose for which, forgotten! This is a crisis, but I usually think of 'crisis' being something fast and sharp, something which must be responded to immediately. But this crisis, is slow, and I dwell in it, for a long time.
Buh. Anyone else ever had this? As the King of Siam said 'it is a puzzlement'.
You know, I feel like Helen Keller this morning. Imagine, if you will, that you are blind, deaf, and speechless. (don't even bother thinking 'how can we imagine that'; just try). You may perhaps know this story, and I'm playing fast and loose with it, I've got to start somewhere.
I realize that this post is really spaced out. But for some reason, events are conspiring (how loaded is that!), that I am at a point in my life where I have become, nagged by a repeating suspicion that I should, or might be well served, to change my course. Something about the topics here, and conversations, is bearing fruit, , but at this point I merely sit with a bunch of fruit around me. I also have feelings of moral vertigo, and owing to being middle-aged, a feeling of the significance of my life up 'til now, falling away. Falling away like old maps, the journey for which they were drawn, the purpose for which, forgotten! This is a crisis, but I usually think of 'crisis' being something fast and sharp, something which must be responded to immediately. But this crisis, is slow, and I dwell in it, for a long time.
Buh. Anyone else ever had this? As the King of Siam said 'it is a puzzlement'.
Yes, by all means, I feel this often. Change is something I confront often, it is part of the creative process in general, where it is a very healthy ingredient to discovering new images and meaning, but when one starts to face major changes in life, it can stop you in your tracks or at least put you into a very contemplative state. The mid-years of life offer up a lot of change, where friends and family are leaving their bodies more often and mortality starts staring you in the mirror every morning, plus the realization that there is less time in front of the journey than perhaps exists on the back end. There is also the issue of spurned spiritual goals and beliefs to deal with, disappointments and realizations that differ with our younger more idealistic world-views. Lastly there are the issues of our life purpose in terms of career and self expression, how our current reality shapes up to the dreams and goals we may have had when we were younger and first starting out on our journey. All these things can combine with a body that is slowly changing with time, perhaps wiser but a little slower in certain areas.
All this is the messy stuff of life, the hard stuff we all have to deal with in our own personal individual ways, where there is no one manual or book to give all the answers ... but we keep moving forward ... we keep dealing with it all ... we keep growing ... and the sun does come up tomorrow complete with new realizations and eventual new questions ... as the wheel keeps turning ... turning ... turning.
Yes, Kalisurfer! You've touched it! You're very thorough. Ah, mortality. I think of the angel of death as my last strange friend, in a way, but that is a sort of romanticizing the inevitable. ' plus the realization that there is less time in front of the journey than perhaps exists on the back end.' Wull yes, hahahaha, that's putting it delicately.
' it can stop you in your tracks or at least put you into a very contemplative state. ' Yes. 'Friends and family leaving their bodies...' Yes. Thanks Kalisurfer. I appreciate your comprehensiveness. And the wheel.
QUOTE (Seeking Truth @ Feb 22 2009, 12:49 AM)
Beautiful. Each of you. Beautiful articulation of complex feelings. Beautiful insights. Beautiful personal realizations. And beautiful sharing of all of those.
I imagine some one of your children coming into the room where you were when you posted this...
'Mom. Mom? Uh, you've got rays coming out of your head again. Listen, I'm just going to put this string around your waist, okay? So you don't graze the ceiling. '
I am still walking in a bit of a dream - probably from the strong painkillers I am taking following a motorcycle accident on 11 February. It is not easy for me to type at the moment as my right side is still very bruised, my right shoulder sprained and maybe a rib or two cracked.
What is very strange is I remember just before the accident, when the car swerved in front of me and thinking go limp and breathe out.... and then hitting the road hard with my head and shoulder then sliding along... I do not remember anything in between, it appears that I must have hit the car as three was no room to avoid it, but there is not a mark on the car. The one witness to the accident is convinced that the car did hit me. I do have a slight bruise on my left knee which might be from the collision. The car driver is a devout christian and was on their way to a prayer meeting.
The bike is a complete wreck - the policeman who attended the accident believed it had done something like this - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xpWxLWQcwQ...eature=related- though not as many times... as I was only travelling at about 30mph (50kph) He was somewhat shocked to see me walking around even if in a lot of pain.
I have attached two pics of the helmet so you can see the damage, apart from this my clothing is TOTALLY unmarked. Click to view attachmentClick to view attachment
It is a very strange feeling to sit up when everyone around is expecting you to be badly injured or worse and the damage to the helmet shows it must have been a very bad crash...
I am off work for another two weeks and am sitting back wondering quite what happened, I am starting to think someone or something intervened...
What is very strange is I remember just before the accident, when the car swerved in front of me and thinking go limp and breathe out.... and then hitting the road hard with my head and shoulder then sliding along... I do not remember anything in between, it appears that I must have hit the car as three was no room to avoid it, but there is not a mark on the car. The one witness to the accident is convinced that the car did hit me. I do have a slight bruise on my left knee which might be from the collision. The car driver is a devout christian and was on their way to a prayer meeting.
The bike is a complete wreck - the policeman who attended the accident believed it had done something like this - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xpWxLWQcwQ...eature=related- though not as many times... as I was only travelling at about 30mph (50kph) He was somewhat shocked to see me walking around even if in a lot of pain.
I have attached two pics of the helmet so you can see the damage, apart from this my clothing is TOTALLY unmarked. Click to view attachmentClick to view attachment
It is a very strange feeling to sit up when everyone around is expecting you to be badly injured or worse and the damage to the helmet shows it must have been a very bad crash...
I am off work for another two weeks and am sitting back wondering quite what happened, I am starting to think someone or something intervened...
Ouch!
I once had a bad tumble too, when i came to a stop and looked around, i could not even think if i was going north or south, i did not know where i was or which way to go.
I once had a bad tumble too, when i came to a stop and looked around, i could not even think if i was going north or south, i did not know where i was or which way to go.
QUOTE (Apres Laulyam @ Feb 22 2009, 12:42 PM)
QUOTE (Brainiac @ Feb 21 2009, 07:23 PM)
QUOTE (Apres Laulyam @ Feb 21 2009, 01:42 PM)
Buh. Anyone else ever had this?
Yes, several times.
Wull good, Brainiac. Did you ever get the feeling, when old Jimi sang 'Have you ever been experienced? Well I have', his tone was, somewhat minor, like he'd come through a dour time. Still, look what he made of it, whatever that was.
Yeah, and a great song that was, wasn't it? One of my favourites.
And I agree with what Kali said too. Change is inevitable and is the way of the world. It can come in small amounts like gentle waves lapping at the shore, or can even manifest as a tsunami. I've learnt that the best thing to do is just surf and ride those waves when they come instead of resisting.Rhapso, wow, sorry to hear about your accident. Hope you are alright.
Rhapsodieff;
although you are a stranger to me, I feel such a pang seeing your helmet. Oh, so glad it cradled your noggin. Take it easy on yourself.
Brainiac,
'...instead of resisting.' Yes, I agree. Now it is for me to understand how I am resisting. You know, if one has been clenched up for a long time, one doesn't even realize it has become, a style of being, or a habit.
Here are some of my changes;
becoming a vegetarian. This is pretty fundamental, I mean what I eat. It been a long time on my mind. Yeah yeah yeah, PETA got to me and I don't care what anyone else thinks, pro or con. NO creature deserves to live like that, not even to die like that, and I just don't want no part of it. It just feels bad. I mean I live in an area where deer-hunting is popular, where people personally kill cows and chickens and such, and sell eggs, and I myself have fished and eaten fish.I know this makes some vegetarians wince, and seems hypocrisy, but, to me there is a difference in facing it like that....whatever. I'm trying. I just don't want no part of the great horrific machine of industrial cruelty. Nah.
addressing my past. 'Hello, past.' That's why I'm bonking around here, reading reading reading.
trying to find new music to live with! I am very discomfited when I go through my whole music collection, and can't settle on one thing I want to hear.
thinking about death. Well, I think that is only natural. Certainly having my contemporaries die, has brought it home, even though I stand, fazed, dumb, uncomprehending. I guess that might be a big part of this 'sea-change'. But a part, only. Yes, that's it, complete helplessness, and the pain of separation.
stopping writing poetry and fiction. I just come to the end of my run, I guess. For now, anyway. Also, in relation to that, falling away from my on-line life that was built around that. Coming to my senses again, literally. But! You see here I am, for reasons that I have stated elsewhere....I very much enjoy talking back and forth with people, this way. I see no reason to cut myself off from it, although I am very much better at balancing the rest of my life with my 'on-line' pursuits. Balance is very important to me.
and finally, trying to integrate all my selves. Writing is an excellent, excellent way to experiment and get to know one's selves. All art is, I guess. I have experience, through writing, of very vivid 'personalities' through whom I can explore, life. I have spent too much, maybe, in this regard. Who else lies lurking, waiting to be known, within what I call 'me'? Pah!
And, here you all are, so different, so eloquent, and I very much enjoy being here. You help me, even though you don't know it, when I am away from the screen, thinking about these things, feeling around about these issues. And that leads me to leap to another thread!
although you are a stranger to me, I feel such a pang seeing your helmet. Oh, so glad it cradled your noggin. Take it easy on yourself.
Brainiac,
'...instead of resisting.' Yes, I agree. Now it is for me to understand how I am resisting. You know, if one has been clenched up for a long time, one doesn't even realize it has become, a style of being, or a habit.
Here are some of my changes;
becoming a vegetarian. This is pretty fundamental, I mean what I eat. It been a long time on my mind. Yeah yeah yeah, PETA got to me and I don't care what anyone else thinks, pro or con. NO creature deserves to live like that, not even to die like that, and I just don't want no part of it. It just feels bad. I mean I live in an area where deer-hunting is popular, where people personally kill cows and chickens and such, and sell eggs, and I myself have fished and eaten fish.I know this makes some vegetarians wince, and seems hypocrisy, but, to me there is a difference in facing it like that....whatever. I'm trying. I just don't want no part of the great horrific machine of industrial cruelty. Nah.
addressing my past. 'Hello, past.' That's why I'm bonking around here, reading reading reading.
trying to find new music to live with! I am very discomfited when I go through my whole music collection, and can't settle on one thing I want to hear.
thinking about death. Well, I think that is only natural. Certainly having my contemporaries die, has brought it home, even though I stand, fazed, dumb, uncomprehending. I guess that might be a big part of this 'sea-change'. But a part, only. Yes, that's it, complete helplessness, and the pain of separation.
stopping writing poetry and fiction. I just come to the end of my run, I guess. For now, anyway. Also, in relation to that, falling away from my on-line life that was built around that. Coming to my senses again, literally. But! You see here I am, for reasons that I have stated elsewhere....I very much enjoy talking back and forth with people, this way. I see no reason to cut myself off from it, although I am very much better at balancing the rest of my life with my 'on-line' pursuits. Balance is very important to me.
and finally, trying to integrate all my selves. Writing is an excellent, excellent way to experiment and get to know one's selves. All art is, I guess. I have experience, through writing, of very vivid 'personalities' through whom I can explore, life. I have spent too much, maybe, in this regard. Who else lies lurking, waiting to be known, within what I call 'me'? Pah!
And, here you all are, so different, so eloquent, and I very much enjoy being here. You help me, even though you don't know it, when I am away from the screen, thinking about these things, feeling around about these issues. And that leads me to leap to another thread!
Good god, Rhapsodieff, you must have several cat lives left after this lucky escape. I have had several serious bicycle accidents where wearing a helmet has saved me from death or a skull fracture.
I cannot bear to ride a motorcycle ever since I had a dream as a teenager in which I was a passenger on a big road bike that crashed and I experienced skidding and sliding along the road - it was so real.
Go well and be well.
I cannot bear to ride a motorcycle ever since I had a dream as a teenager in which I was a passenger on a big road bike that crashed and I experienced skidding and sliding along the road - it was so real.
Go well and be well.
Rhapsodieff, I am so glad you were wearing a helmet and not more seriously injured than you were! I hope you are completely mended soon!
Thanks to all for your good wishes...the monetary aspct is in the hands of the lawyers so no doubt it will get sorted and the Doctor says things should resolve in 6 weeks...
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.